Last week, when it first broke that a woman in California had given birth to Octuplets, I didn’t give it much attention. Such matters are the hard-hitting news to be reported by major network morning shows (in between segments in which the “newscasters” gossip about last night’s episode of the latest reality show). But then certain facts about the mother began to leak out to the press and I couldn’t help but take an interest. Within just a few days after the January 26th birth, reports were coming out that not only was she an unemployed single mother living with her parents who had gotten pregnant through in vitro fertilization, but that she had previously given birth to six other children, who were all also conceived via in vitro fertilization. Her own mother described the woman to the Associated Press as being “obsessed with kids” and said that “instead of becoming a kindergarten teacher or something, she started having them.”
My own personal theory: she wants to break her kids into two basketball teams, including one on each side to be designated a coach, and play one another in a yearly best of seven match up. They can also be a baseball team with three pitchers and a designated hitter. Now, we know the real reason for all this madness—it’s the same reason that most people seem to do anything in this country—fame.
I don’t blame her. It’s pretty well known that if you cross that point of sanity in regards to the number children you have, for a non-Mormon at least, the reward is your own TV show on TLC (Exhibit A and Exhibit B) or at least a lifetime supply of free diapers from Huggies. Usually, I don’t like to judge people on how the raise their kids, just like I wouldn’t want to be judged on how I raise mine. But I have to say, even though she’s in the process of getting her masters degree, this woman is an idiot. Which brings up my most recent observation: stupid people are breeding too much.
You ever notice how the people who argue that professional wrestling is entertaining, i.e. morons, are more likely have a whole troop of children and the smartest person you’ve ever met, e.g. a Nobel winning physicist, will generally only have two at the most? I’m not saying that everyone is as smart as their parents. My mother’s a genius who graduated from an Ivy League and is a Jeopardy champion, whereas I think the new live action G.I. Joe movie looks like it’ll be awesome (Did you see my man Snake-Eyes in the commercial?!). It’s just that if you’re raised by people who have no intellectual curiosity and vote on the presidential candidate they’d most like to have a beer with, well then you’re more likely to have the same standards both for your self-education and electoral decisions.
My big fear is that Mike Judge’s movie Idiocracy was right about us having reached this point in our society where survival of the fittest no longer prevents morons from out numbering everyone else and thus gaining control. It’s all evolution (which if you refer to as a “theory,” guess what you are?). And with intelligent people having fewer children and dumb-asses having more and more, it’s only a matter of time before the entire country is filled the sort of people who not only think they hear Muslim proselytizing in a video game’s baby mumbling, but take it away from their children because of it (I remember when I was 12 and converted to Sufism because I thought I heard “Sufism is the way” in Super Mario 64—but it then it turned out to be “It’s a me, Mario!”).
Luckily I have a two part solution: Step 1) Massive orgies of unprotected (though thoroughly screened for STD’s) sex amongst nerds and geeks. NASA, I’m looking your way. Step 2) The introduction of natural predators into the moronic underbelly of America. Tigers let loose at NASCAR events. Chimpanzees, armed with knives, released in theatres showing Vin Diesel movies. Or, you know, people could start reading more…or something.
February 3, 2009 at 10:18 pm
There was a woman in Michigan who had septuplets (with fertility assistance). The local university guaranteed full-ride scholarships to the whole brood when they were of college age. Sort of a round-about way of making the products of overbreeding smarter. Then the university raised tuition for everyone who was already going. That was kind of a step toward making the nonseptuplets dumber. So at least things are evening out a bit.
February 3, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I like my proposal more. It’s got knife wielding chimps and nerd sex parties. What does Michigan have? A lake? Detroit? Bah!
February 4, 2009 at 4:51 am
Dude, couldn’t agree with you more. I remember this Missouri woman a few years ago who was working on Baby #17. She said she would keep having kids if God wanted her to. I thought it was just a weasly way of saying she and her husband enjoyed unprotected sex too much to give it up and wear a rubber. Idiots.
February 5, 2009 at 4:09 pm
So you’re not going to see Fast and Furious?
You lie.
February 5, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I’ll be there to drop off the knife wielding chimps…and admire Jordana Brewster’s…personality.
April 28, 2009 at 1:00 am
having 8 kids and ur not marrieed is wierd
May 21, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Who is to choose the smart, and who is to choose the dumb?
September 6, 2009 at 4:28 pm
an IQ test should be required to vote. and procreate? lol
September 6, 2009 at 4:38 pm
the only way to hope to have strong healthy intelligent children is in your selection of a mate who is strong healthy and intelligent.even then there is no guarantee. but a better chance.GOD did not make all people EQUAL. that is a lie. just look around.and while i’m at it…….the MEEK shall not inherit the EARTH ..just ask the top five lol (richest people in the word) they already own it all and you meek sheep get shit.
July 31, 2010 at 9:20 am
The world is too safe, and stupid people are thus denied the full consequences of their stupidity.
May I suggest the following? These methods would probably take a few generations to have a useful effect, but we must persevere.
1) Abolish all car speed limits, and make safety equipment such as seatbelts illegal. Perhaps severe penalties might be instituted for slow travel? We would find a lot of people killed by their own technological incompetence or their unthinking conformism.
2) Alcohol and drugs are to be encouraged at very least, and ideally mandated by law.
Everybody should be drunk and stoned at all times. In a few hundred years, the survivors might be found to have more willpower and self-control.
3) Guns and weaponry must be good since so many americans seem to love them. But modifications to the machinery as well as the methodology should be undertaken to remove what little verstige of safety is left. Fashions should be started foe the improvement of society through weaponry: perhaps enhanced access to sex and drugs should be provided for those who manage to improve society by plugging preachers or advertisers or anybody else who propagates, encourages, or profits by stupidy.
To conclude, the world is flooding with stupid people. Will the giant environmental crisis about to hit us kill a few million of them? I hope so, or civilisation is toast.
They brought it on, so it would only be fair if it killed them. But how did the rest of us let them do it?
P Buddery
October 23, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Most people (even stupid people) know as part of their birds & bees training that stupid people get more enjoyment from sex. There is a good reason for this…
Back in the caveman days, every tribe had to keep a few stupids on hand as “expendables”. Suppose you were a tribal chief and your tribe found a new cave, but you needed to check it for bears? Now if you sent your medicine man in that cave and he got eaten, you’d be screwed. The answer was to send in one of the stupids, so if he got eaten, it was no big deal and you’d know to avoid that cave.
Stupid cavemen were always dying because they weren’t smart enough to run away from bears and saber-tooth tigers or avoid eating poison fruit… so nature made them as horny as rabbits to compensate for their high death rates.
So nowadays here we are, there are not many saber-tooth tigers or huge bears running around all over the place to eat stupid people… guess what happens when you raise rabbits where there are no predators. You get a lot of little rabbits! Except rabbits don’t do stupid things like fall off ladders or try to light a barbecue with gasoline.
December 22, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I like the way you think sir. We write about the same things and this particular article hits a particular string with me. Keep getting the word out there about this kind of nonsense. Otherwise I’m afraid the majority of the population will grow up licking screen doors and baseball bats.
April 11, 2011 at 10:08 pm
I wholeheartedly agree. I have written articles on the large family on hubpages. You should check it out. Of course, the most stupid and uneducated people are incessant breeders because they have no viable jobs, hobbies, and/or intellectual and cultural activities to participate in. For instance, Michelle Duggar, broodmare of the year. She even looks retarded! Every woman I know who has large families are stupid beyond par. They are so incapable of having a somewhat intelligent conversation. I detest people who have large families because it is animalistic. We are human beings who have brains. People with brains use birth control and limit the number of children to one or two.
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January 19, 2012 at 9:39 am
I divide people into two categories…Thinkers and Breeders. Thinkers are smart enough to know that more kids equals less money, less sleep, less hair, and less time to enjoy anything else for at least 18 years.
Breeders don’t think…they work hard for what they have but they have very little because they didn’t apply themselves in school. When they run short on the bills, they are forced to seek government help to buy their groceries. Extra money that comes their way is spent on lotto tickets at the gas station and interest on payday loans.
Then there is a certain subsection of society that falls into both categories. For instance, look at the large Catholic population near Notre Dame in South Bend, IN. You’ll never meet a more educated bunch, but they don’t believe in birth control! Watch out…these people may rule someday. This might not be too terrible, unless of course you’re an altar boy.
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