octupletsLast week, when it first broke that a woman in California had given birth to Octuplets, I didn’t give it much attention. Such matters are the hard-hitting news to be reported by major network morning shows (in between segments in which the “newscasters” gossip about last night’s episode of the latest reality show). But then certain facts about the mother began to leak out to the press and I couldn’t help but take an interest. Within just a few days after the January 26th birth, reports were coming out that not only was she an unemployed single mother living with her parents who had gotten pregnant through in vitro fertilization, but that she had previously given birth to six other children, who were all also conceived via in vitro fertilization. Her own mother described the woman to the Associated Press as being “obsessed with kids” and said that “instead of becoming a kindergarten teacher or something, she started having them.”

My own personal theory: she wants to break her kids into two basketball teams, including one on each side to be designated a coach, and play one another in a yearly best of seven match up. They can also be a baseball team with three pitchers and a designated hitter. Now, we know the real reason for all this madness—it’s the same reason that most people seem to do anything in this country—fame.

I don’t blame her. It’s pretty well known that if you cross that point of sanity in regards to the number children you have, for a non-Mormon at least, the reward is your own TV show on TLC (Exhibit A and Exhibit B) or at least a lifetime supply of free diapers from Huggies. Usually, I don’t like to judge people on how the raise their kids, just like I wouldn’t want to be judged on how I raise mine. But I have to say, even though she’s in the process of getting her masters degree, this woman is an idiot. Which brings up my most recent observation: stupid people are breeding too much.

You ever notice how the people who argue that professional wrestling is entertaining, i.e. morons, are more likely have a whole troop of children and the smartest person you’ve ever met, e.g. a Nobel winning physicist, will generally only have two at the most? I’m not saying that everyone is as smart as their parents. My mother’s a genius who graduated from an Ivy League and is a Jeopardy champion, whereas I think the new live action G.I. Joe movie looks like it’ll be awesome (Did you see my man Snake-Eyes in the commercial?!). It’s just that if you’re raised by people who have no intellectual curiosity and vote on the presidential candidate they’d most like to have a beer with, well then you’re more likely to have the same standards both for your self-education and electoral decisions.

My big fear is that Mike Judge’s movie Idiocracy was right about us having reached this point in our society where survival of the fittest no longer prevents morons from out numbering everyone else and thus gaining control. It’s all evolution (which if you refer to as a “theory,” guess what you are?). And with intelligent people having fewer children and dumb-asses having more and more, it’s only a matter of time before the entire country is filled the sort of people who not only think they hear Muslim proselytizing in a video game’s baby mumbling, but take it away from their children because of it (I remember when I was 12 and converted to Sufism because I thought I heard “Sufism is the way” in Super Mario 64—but it then it turned out to be “It’s a me, Mario!”).

Luckily I have a two part solution: Step 1) Massive orgies of unprotected (though thoroughly screened for STD’s) sex amongst nerds and geeks. NASA, I’m looking your way. Step 2) The introduction of natural predators into the moronic underbelly of America. Tigers let loose at NASCAR events. Chimpanzees, armed with knives, released in theatres showing Vin Diesel movies. Or, you know, people could start reading more…or something.

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