China MarketsI’m not generally a positive person, but has the news about our current economic situation grows bleaker and bleaker, I’m starting to wonder if there is possibly a silver lining or two to the whole thing. Though I’ve lived through a wide variety of financial crises, the recession of the 1980’s, the burst of the dotcom bubble, and the absolute collapse of the Beanie Baby market, none were while I was full-fledged adult living on my own. And before I end up standing in line for a soup kitchen, I’d like to point out a few shinning points of light we can be happy about and thank the recession for.

• At least now all those pricks I went to school with that ended up working in finance can finally stop quoting Michael Douglas from Wall Street like its scripture. Greed isn’t good. Maybe they can sit down and watch it again to finally understand that Gordon Gekko is the villain. It’s not like they have to go to work anymore.

• It could quite possibly be the end of Tyra Banks on television. Honestly, when you’re worried about how you’re going to afford to buy groceries how do you manage to care who is going to be America’s Next Top Model? What…She has a talk show too? Damn it!

• This will toughen our generation up. The same age group that waits in-line to audition for American Idol and come out screaming that Simon will regret rejecting them “Once I’m famous!” needs to struggle a bit. We need to quit whining and take some hardships to be better people. It’s going to suck, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

• New York’s going to become gritty again…and cheap too! Expect graffiti to be all over the place, people urinating EVERYWHERE, bums sleeping on park benches, crime at pre-Giuliani levels, and Manhattan apartments renting at Brooklyn prices.

• We can also expect an increase in hobos and prostitutes. I’ve always had soft spot for hobos, those lovable scamps that are the quaint embodiment of American homelessness. I like hookers more though. Maybe we can even hope to see, dare I suggest the unthinkable, a hybrid hobo-hooker?

• You can pretty much get away with anything now and blame it on the economy. Why just the other day I was dumping the body of a hobo when a police officer discovered me. “What do you think you’re doing?” He demanded. I just a shrugged and said “recession.” To which, he just nodded and told me to “move along” when I was done.

• Every year, at Thanksgiving and Christmas my grandmother regales us with tales of surviving the depression and the hardship of struggling after the stock market crash. Well, now the old bag can shove it! Oh, you’re little brother died from Polio? Do you want me to show you on my iPhone how low my 401K is Nana?! Do you?!!

The best thing about the recession is that we don’t have to learn anything from this experience. Like how you should live within your means, know the value of a dollar, or understand that widespread fraud in a “free market system” can lead to systemic toxicity within the said market and eventually cause its collapse. God, this is going to be the best financial downturn ever!

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