A Douche Bag I am.

A Douche Bag I am.

[Editors Note: This essay is based solely on the Star Wars films, excluding last summer’s animated Clone Wars feature.  Please do not e-mail me with observations or evidence found in comic books or continued novelizations. I’m a nerd, but Jesus even I have my limits.]

So recently I was running the entire Star Wars movie plot lines through my mind (I often do this when I’m on the subway and I’ve finished whatever I’m reading and there’s still a bit of time left in my commute).  And I realized something: Yoda is a total douche bag.

Never mind that when Luke (and the audience) first meets him in Empire Strikes Back, Yoda pretends to be just some random annoying alien instead of…well Yoda. Or that when Luke realizes his friends are in trouble and wants to rush off to save them, the Jedi master discourages him (Adventure? Excitement? Loyalty to friends and allies? A Jedi craves not these things) or even volunteer to tag along and help.  Forget that he tries to dodge Luke’s questions about Darth Vader being his father or that he never even bothers to tell Luke that Leia is his sister (though there is the definite risk of accidental incest).  Completely forget his behavior in the prequels: like scarring the hell out of a little kid whom he suspects will turn to the dark side because of “fear,” taunting that same child as an adult for being on the Jedi counsel but not recognized as a master, and then ordering two newborn twins (Luke and Leia) be separated and raised apart.  No, the reason Yoda is a douche bag is his total disrespect for English grammar.

Look, I get why Lucas wrote Yoda’s dialogue the way he did.  It implies a sense of otherness while making him appealing to the kiddies.  With Yoda’s success has a memorable character among fans it’s understandable that Lucas would want to try to repeat it with Jar-Jar Binks.   For Jar-Jar, the inability to form a proper English sentence at least makes sense because he’s an annoying moron.  But when you take the character of Yoda fully into account along with the fictional Star Wars Universe, it doesn’t add up  You’re telling me that a creature with seemingly omnipotent powers allowing him to kick ass via light saber fights, lift spacecrafts with his mind, and live on past death as a ghost/spirit can’t master the simple concept of subject-verb-object word order?

That’s when it hit me: the reason Yoda doesn’t speak grammatically proper English is because it’s the language of humanity and by not even bothering to learn or implement its basic rules he shows his passive aggressive contempt for the species.  “But why would Yoda hate humans?” You ask. Well, who wouldn’t be pissed at humanity?  What with their Galactic Empires and Death Stars. And although the motivation is understandable, the end result of Yoda’s shattered English makes him a douche bag.