I don't expect you to die Mr. Bond, but you will stop LOLing.

I don't expect you to die Mr. Bond, but you will stop LOLing.

I’ve always loved movies and cartoons that featured an archenemy or evil overlord of some kind, not because they offered a compelling challenge or foil for the hero or heroes, but because whenever they hatched a brilliant plan involving nuclear weapons or a weather machine they were then able make some demands on the world, which would be forced to meet them (if it wasn’t for those pesky spies or nerds bitten by radioactive spiders meddling in other people’s affairs). Generally, such requests made while holding the entire population hostage involved monetary compensation (Really? What good is money once you’ve unleashed apocalyptic destruction? I’m pretty sure the bank isn’t going to be able to process the wire transfer of a billion dollars because of the radiation fallout.) or being made global dictator (A job? You did this to make EVERYONE reliant on you and come to you with all their needs? Come on, Cobra Commander!).

The reason I always dug this illogical cliché was that I couldn’t help but fantasize about what my demands would be if I were able to make such threats. In fact, this is a daydream that I find myself returning to still. I imagine myself sitting at the head of a long table, petting a white cat, and talking to a giant screen with all the leaders of the world peering at me from it, their faces twisted in confusion and horror as I explain just how my machinations will kill everyone on the planet. Here are a few of my demands that must be met in order to save us all:

  • The so called “Text Speak,” in which common phrases are abbreviated and numbers are used to shorten messages, must end… now. No more 2day’s, LOL’s, or ROFLMAO’s. It’s the English language, show some respect. And anyone heard actually speaking the abbreviations (i.e. “I’ll BRB” instead of “I’ll be right back.”) will be sterilized to prevent them from breeding and passing on their defective genes to future generations.
  • Women can no longer wear the bug eyed sunglasses. I don’t know where this trend came from, I don’t really care, but it’s over. A whole generation of women think it looks chic and stylish when in fact they appear to be hiding evidence of domestic abuse or copying Bono’s style.
  • No one is allowed to post or take any quizzes on Facebook anymore. It is quite possibly the most annoying new feature on Facebook. I don’t need to know which Billy Joel song matches your personality, how Pilipino you are, or [shudder] how horny you are. Just stop.
  • Fred Durst must die. Limp Bizkit is reuniting and trying to make a comeback, this is a fact. Durst is directing movies, including one about the first girl to play in Pop Warner football and staring Ice Cube; this is a fact. I may be an evil genius, but Jesus even I have my limits on what horrors I allow to be unleashed on the world.
  • Kanye West is no longer allowed to have any contact with the general public. Mr. West can continue to make music, but he is hence forth forbidden to have a blog, release any press statement, or make announcements of any kind. This is a direct result of his inability to understand the concept of how a caps lock functions or that repeatedly calling oneself a genius does not make it so. Mr. West, be thankful that nothing was done about your choice of clothing styles.
  • All Segways are now outlawed. Does this need an explanation?
  • Finally, all the worlds’ scientists must stop all current research and work on one single goal: Jetpacks. Seriously, it’s 2009 and we don’t have jetpacks yet? What’s the closest thing we have? Segways? Bullshit! It’s not that hard a concept and I’m pretty sure that if we all focus on creating jetpacks that are also eco-friendly, we’ve just saved the ozone layer, because no one would ever drive car again when they could use a jetpack.

Essentially, if I was able to threaten the world with some kind of weapon (or weapons) of mass destruction, it would then become the most awesome world ever.