UrinalThere’s a theory that if you take the most complex and intricate condition and break it down piece by piece—it will eventually lead to the situational understanding that something is either one thing or other. Positive or negative. Light or dark. Male or female.  And so this problem boils down to something that I think only men can understand.

In the world of men, problems seem pretty few and insignificant when compared with those of the ‘fairer sex.’  I’ll agree with anyone who argues that there seems to be a slew of societal pitfalls for women to fall into.  But ladies, this is a problem that you should consider yourself lucky not to have.  I can’t pee in presence of other people.  Now before the questions of “why are you peeing in front of other people?” begin rolling in, I should point out that Men’s bathrooms feature urinals…RIGHT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER.  So a lot of the times I have to urinate, I’m standing six inches next to another guy. And for some reason, no matter how badly I need to go, I can’t until he leaves or I move to a stall.

It always felt like it was a problem that few other guys had (I’ve yet to be in a situation where the person next to me as the same affliction and is waiting for me to leave while I wait for him to vacate).  And after talking with a few friends, acquaintances, and buddies, I realized that I was right.

My friend Sean took the first opportunity to use the urinal next to me in the bathroom of a bar.  “Does this bother you?” He asked with glee and then added: “You’re so weird.”  Another friend, Kyle, told me that everyone already knew I was nuts and not to worry because “this piss thing isn’t the tipping point.”  He also added I should “just focus, concentrate on Megan Fox naked on your bed and piss away,” which I think is something that says more about Kyle and his proclivities than I ever could.  My buddy Chris was the only other person I could find willing to admit to suffering from the same burden.  “I’ll even wait to go to the bathroom if I know someone else is going,” he said.  “To me, the solution is space. If someone comes to the urinal right next to me, I’m not doing anything, if someone goes to a stall, I can usually make it happen. It’s the worst thing ever.”

Yes.  Yes it is.

[Pic via Coxen.com]