new-york-cityYesterday, my friend Chris saw a homeless woman taking a dump on 32nd street—she was doing it next to a parked car, in full view of everyone on the street, at 8:30 in the morning.  That’s a true story.  I’ve got another friend, Jess, who once found a guy masturbating on a subway platform at nine o’clock at night.  He was wearing a suit and tie.  That really happened.  Years ago a buddy of mine was walking down the street on his way to a bar (this was downtown), when a guy jumped off the roof of a nearby building and landed right in front of him (like that scene in the Departed).  That actually happened.  An acquaintance of mine, Streeter, saw a guy dressed as a cowboy on a real life horse….in the middle of the Bronx.  That’s a fact.

Whenever my friends tell these stories, there’s always someone who mutters the obligatory “Only in New York.”  In a city with this many people, packed so tightly together, it’s no wonder that these things happen.  And bearing witness to them has become a rite of passage for living here.  Of course the best part of it all is sharing the experience with others.   Whenever someone sees a part of that “crazy New York” they have to regale their family and friends with the freshly seen insanity, and then everybody around him or her begins telling their own anecdotes.  It then soon evolves into everyone going around the table recalling the wildest/most disgusting thing they’ve ever seen another human being do in public (this usual involves a normally private bodily function) in an effort  to top one another.

“You saw a guy peeing in the park? That’s nothing, I saw a guy jerking off.”

“Yeah? I saw a dude jerking ANOTHER DUDE, at the library.”

“Pshhhhhhh, I saw a tranny hooker stab her pimp with a coat hanger.”

“Oh please, I once watched a guy dressed in a clown costume making out with someone wearing a Nixon mask on the A-train.  Oh, and it wasn’t Halloween.”

Then it’s my turn to share and I’ve got nothing.  I have no stories like that.  For some reason, I don’t have any crazy New York moments. I’ll have been living here eight years next month and I’ve never seen anything that bizarre.   I have to wonder: Do I not go out enough? Or is this craziness happening around me and I’m just not noticing?

What the hell New York? Where’s my pooping homeless lady?  Where’s my masturbating businessman?  Throw me a bone, here.

[Pic via]