Dear Main Stream Media,

I don’t care about Tiger Woods cheating on his wife.  Now, will everyone shut up about it?  Usually, in situations like this involving something utterly pointless about a celebrity, I can just avoid the whole thing by ignoring it.  But sometimes, I just can’t escape it.  Atop the constant barrage of headlines and news coverage in this 24-hour news cycle digital world, there’s always someone (usually at work) who will inevitably bring it up.  “Did you hear about Tiger Woods?” a moronic co-worker will ask.  No, I’ve been on the moon all week…with my head buried in the ground…and my eyes and ears sown shut.

Look, no one, least of all me, is surprised that Tiger Woods was sleeping with women other than his wife. The man is rich and famous, so this shouldn’t shock anyone.  There have been multiple seasons of Rock of Love, a TV show in which women compete to hook up with Bret Michaels, the lead singer of Poison.  So if the ass clown who sings this song can get legions of women to want to be with me, what do you think the man who many agree will hold the title of “greatest golfer who ever lived” when he finally retires gets?  I bet that there are hundreds (if not thousands) of women who have stalked Tiger Woods and tried to have sex with him (and probably knew he was married).  Personally, I don’t understand the psychology of so called “star fuckers”.  I’m pretty sure fame, or wealth, is not sexually transmitted.  And before anyone accuses me: I’m not excusing Woods’s actions. I’m of the mindset that you don’t want to sleep with one person for the rest of your life than you shouldn’t get married (or tell your wife that you want an open relationship).

Some may argue that since Tiger Woods is the highest paid professional athlete in the world (estimates are that next year he will be worth a billion dollars) along with his inevitable seat on the thrown of the sport and high visibility, he’s fair game for coverage.  I’d like to point out that he’s also the most boring famous person in the world.  It’s the key to his greatness.  Seriously.  Have you ever played golf? It’s the dullest sport known in the history of humanity.  Tiger Woods has literally spent the better part of his life practicing swinging a rod with a piece of metal attached to the end.  Hours upon hours, every day, week after week, month after month, for years.  Interesting people who have profound insights don’t do that, only someone who has nothing better to do would practice hitting a five iron for three hours straight. And thus, inevitably, his scandal is equally boring. Did he sexually assault these women? Pay to have sex with them? Take steroids in front of them? No, he just had consensual sex with them and kept it from his wife.  I don’t care.  So please move onto to something else…or I’ll kill a celebrity to get you to.


The Word Ninja

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