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So last week I wrote a post in which I called John Stamos out on his bullshit “Full House prequel project” and let slip that I had an ongoing feud with the former Mr. Rebecca Romijn.  A couple of you left comments saying you wanted to hear the story behind the grudge and some even sent me e-mails demanding that I write about it.  Now, I’m not usually one to air my personal disputes, but here it goes.

About a year ago, I was going through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and had gotten really into gambling—you know you’ve got a problem when you’ve moved past horse racing and craps to betting on knife fights between chimpanzees.  Anyway, I met Stamos one night at no-holds-bar gambling bizarre that specialized in blind wagering on inter-species gladiatorial events.

Now you may ask where in New York City does one go to bet on a fight between a chicken with a switchblade taped to its beak and a mongoose.  The back of a Chinese restaurant on the Upper West Side?  The suite of a posh Tribeca hotel?  The Bronx? Brooklyn?  Nope, you’ve got to go to a warehouse in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Anyway, there I was one Thursday night—a glass of whiskey in one hand and a crisp twenty in the other, pushing against a pack of Egyptian businessmen who’d been throwing cash around all night, trying to lay a bet down on a match between a fighting robot and an orangutan (for a pretty sure thing, always bet on the monkey) when guess who walks in with Jaleel White (Urkel)?  That’s right, Uncle Jesse. They were later joined by Sasha Mitchel, the actor who played Cody on Step by Step. Turns out, all the actors on those old TGIF shows still hang out together.  Well, most of them.  When I asked if Dave Coulier would be by later, they got really quiet and Jaleel was like, “Fuck that guy!”  So…

We hung out most of the night and I have to say that Stamos was actually pretty cool.  We had a great conversation about what the other Rippers were up to while watching an obese teenager square off against a kangaroo.  I told him about my passion for writing, he told me about his passion for singing “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys. When the proprietors announced that they were moving on to the night’s final event, a game of Russian Roulette á la the movie Deer Hunter.  Stamos turned to me and whispered, “I’m tapped out from that fight between the Komodo Dragon and the Weasel, can you spot me?”

So I covered Stamos’ bet and he won.  To celebrate, we all went out to Denny’s for breakfast. The place was packed and as soon as we walk in the door, Stamos shouts, “Everybody’s Grand Slams are on me!!”  When the bill came, Stamos paid with all his winnings (including the share that he still owed me). “John,” I said, “what the hell?”  Stamos promised to pay me back with “a bit part in ER including one or two lines.”  At the time, I thought “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” but I never got a call. And only after several phone calls was I  able to get in touch with one of his assistants who said, “Mr. Stamos does not recall such an evening.”  And then ER got canceled.

Later, I was hanging out with Jaleel White at a strip club and he explained such broken promises are a habit with Stamos. “He promised me a supporting role on Jake in Progress after I loaned him some cash to pay a hooker, that never happened,” explained Jaleel, who then slapped a stripper’s ass and said, “Did I do that?” in the Urkel voice.

[Pic via biggun.vox.com]

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John Stamos

True Story: I was hanging out with Kate last week.  We were just lounging in her living room.  She was aimless surfing the internet on my laptop while I was flipping through a magazine.  It was one of those evenings when all you can muster to do is nothing, because the work day has just burned away every ounce of energy. When, suddenly, the silence of exhausted boredom was broken.

“Oh, did you hear that thing about John Stamos?” Kate asked, nonchalantly.
“No,” I said, not even bothering looking up.  My general contempt for John Phillip Stamos knows no bounds (He knows what he did!).
“Well, apparently he’s making a ‘Full House’ movie,” said Kate.
“Oh dear God, like a reunion special? You have to be kidding me.”
“No, it’s um,” she said trying to gather the interest needed to continue the conversation, “….like…a prequel. That’s going to be all them starting like just after the Mom dies.”
“What?”
“Yeah and he’s going to get James Franco to play a young Jesse, Steve Carell in the Bob Saget part, and Tracy Morgan as Joey.”
“As Joey?! Really?”
“Yeah.”
“That sounds…actually pretty awesome.”
“I know right,” she said, adding: “Maybe you can finally forgive him for his crime against you and end your feud.”
“Maybe,” I said.

What’s so striking isn’t the concept of Stamos’ “Full House Movie” (in fact, it seems kind of dull), but rather the casting.  It’s so packed with great comic actors (Yeah, James Franco is comic actor, didn’t you see Pineapple Express?) that if handled it right, it could be an avant-garde comedy masterpiece.  Can you just imagine Steve Carell and Tracey Morgan improving off of one another, as “Full House” characters?  That would be awesome.

The next day, I did a little research online and found a bunch of articles about the movie and blogs about how great it was going to be.  And then I found this source article.  There’s no movie, it’s just Stamos talking out of his ass on the red carpet—a “dream project,” if you will.  Anyone can come up with awesome movie ideas based on classic TV shows. Look, here are three I just made up:

  • A MacGyver movie, staring an aged Richard Dean Anderson, in which MacGyver is an old man and uses his bag of tricks to escape from an assisted living facility, but is frightened by modern technology which he can’t understand or work.
  • A Smurfs live action movie in which we find out that the Smurfs are just Gargamel’s hallucinations and don’t really exist.
  • A Doogie Howser prequel where he’s working his way through Med School and beginning puberty at the same time.

See John, it’s not that hard.  Oh, and the feud is still on!!