Dear Main Stream Media,

I don’t care about Tiger Woods cheating on his wife.  Now, will everyone shut up about it?  Usually, in situations like this involving something utterly pointless about a celebrity, I can just avoid the whole thing by ignoring it.  But sometimes, I just can’t escape it.  Atop the constant barrage of headlines and news coverage in this 24-hour news cycle digital world, there’s always someone (usually at work) who will inevitably bring it up.  “Did you hear about Tiger Woods?” a moronic co-worker will ask.  No, I’ve been on the moon all week…with my head buried in the ground…and my eyes and ears sown shut.

Look, no one, least of all me, is surprised that Tiger Woods was sleeping with women other than his wife. The man is rich and famous, so this shouldn’t shock anyone.  There have been multiple seasons of Rock of Love, a TV show in which women compete to hook up with Bret Michaels, the lead singer of Poison.  So if the ass clown who sings this song can get legions of women to want to be with me, what do you think the man who many agree will hold the title of “greatest golfer who ever lived” when he finally retires gets?  I bet that there are hundreds (if not thousands) of women who have stalked Tiger Woods and tried to have sex with him (and probably knew he was married).  Personally, I don’t understand the psychology of so called “star fuckers”.  I’m pretty sure fame, or wealth, is not sexually transmitted.  And before anyone accuses me: I’m not excusing Woods’s actions. I’m of the mindset that you don’t want to sleep with one person for the rest of your life than you shouldn’t get married (or tell your wife that you want an open relationship).

Some may argue that since Tiger Woods is the highest paid professional athlete in the world (estimates are that next year he will be worth a billion dollars) along with his inevitable seat on the thrown of the sport and high visibility, he’s fair game for coverage.  I’d like to point out that he’s also the most boring famous person in the world.  It’s the key to his greatness.  Seriously.  Have you ever played golf? It’s the dullest sport known in the history of humanity.  Tiger Woods has literally spent the better part of his life practicing swinging a rod with a piece of metal attached to the end.  Hours upon hours, every day, week after week, month after month, for years.  Interesting people who have profound insights don’t do that, only someone who has nothing better to do would practice hitting a five iron for three hours straight. And thus, inevitably, his scandal is equally boring. Did he sexually assault these women? Pay to have sex with them? Take steroids in front of them? No, he just had consensual sex with them and kept it from his wife.  I don’t care.  So please move onto to something else…or I’ll kill a celebrity to get you to.


The Word Ninja

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DC[Editor’s note: The Wordy Ninja went to see Kevin Smith at Carnegie Hall last night and didn’t get home till very late and, because he’s like an old man/baby, is exhausted and in a cranky mood.  Also, he was NOT picked to ask his question.  So today’s post will be a list.  Deal with it. ]

I’ve been described as a cynic, an angry young man, and the “real life Dr. House.” Okay, no one ever called that last one, but I am contemptuous of rules…And save lives, damn it!  Once, just after meeting a friend’s girlfriend for the first time, she turned to him and asked “Oh, wait…is he the angry one that hates everything?” To which my friend smiled and nodded.  In keeping with that statement, I present a recently devised list of human beings that make me tremble with anger.  If you see yourself here take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.  Also, feel free to add your own entry in the comments section below.

  • People who walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk AND are overweight.
    You can’t be one and the other. If you walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk, you should be skinny so I can easily weave around you.  If you take up a large amount of space (Hey, I’m not judging.  I like pizza too.)  then either walk fast or stick to the sides cause I am tempted to shove you out of the way.
  • Women who find Dane Cook attractive/funny.
    Apparently, these ladies exist.  I guess when you have all the charm and wit of a college fraternity’s resident date rapist you can not only have a mediocre movie career—but also become some sort of lame sex symbol.
  • Guys who wear t-shirts while swimming.
    Look, I’m not exactly rocking six pack abs over here.  I’ve had my husky times and have gone to the beach, but come on guys, you’re not fooling anyone.  What do think will happen? Some girl will see you and say, “Mmmm…I bet he’s got a really hot body under there”?  No!  Everyone knows what you’re hiding.  Oh, and to the rocket scientists who wear white t-shirts: You do know they become translucent when soaking wet, right Chubs?  That kind of defeats the purpose, no?
  • People who wear sunglasses indoors.
    Sunglasses were created to block out blindingly bright sunlight.  And if you’re wearing them in the one place were there is no sunlight (like the subway) and you’re not playing poker, you’re basically letting everyone who sees you know that you wear sunglasses to look cool and are thus a shallow prick who only cares what people you don’t know and who don’t know you think of you.
  • People who respond to celebrities they follow on twitter.
    I feel this action is only acceptable if your actually friends with said famous people or calling them out on some bullshit.  But if you’ve ever tweeted something like “Hey @BradPitt, just say Fight Club on cable last night.  You were awesome!” then you’re a moron.
  • Writers who cop out and put together pieces that are just lists because they’re too lazy to actually create segues from one thought to another.
    I think I need to start going to therapy.

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