DC[Editor’s note: The Wordy Ninja went to see Kevin Smith at Carnegie Hall last night and didn’t get home till very late and, because he’s like an old man/baby, is exhausted and in a cranky mood.  Also, he was NOT picked to ask his question.  So today’s post will be a list.  Deal with it. ]

I’ve been described as a cynic, an angry young man, and the “real life Dr. House.” Okay, no one ever called that last one, but I am contemptuous of rules…And save lives, damn it!  Once, just after meeting a friend’s girlfriend for the first time, she turned to him and asked “Oh, wait…is he the angry one that hates everything?” To which my friend smiled and nodded.  In keeping with that statement, I present a recently devised list of human beings that make me tremble with anger.  If you see yourself here take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.  Also, feel free to add your own entry in the comments section below.

  • People who walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk AND are overweight.
    You can’t be one and the other. If you walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk, you should be skinny so I can easily weave around you.  If you take up a large amount of space (Hey, I’m not judging.  I like pizza too.)  then either walk fast or stick to the sides cause I am tempted to shove you out of the way.
  • Women who find Dane Cook attractive/funny.
    Apparently, these ladies exist.  I guess when you have all the charm and wit of a college fraternity’s resident date rapist you can not only have a mediocre movie career—but also become some sort of lame sex symbol.
  • Guys who wear t-shirts while swimming.
    Look, I’m not exactly rocking six pack abs over here.  I’ve had my husky times and have gone to the beach, but come on guys, you’re not fooling anyone.  What do think will happen? Some girl will see you and say, “Mmmm…I bet he’s got a really hot body under there”?  No!  Everyone knows what you’re hiding.  Oh, and to the rocket scientists who wear white t-shirts: You do know they become translucent when soaking wet, right Chubs?  That kind of defeats the purpose, no?
  • People who wear sunglasses indoors.
    Sunglasses were created to block out blindingly bright sunlight.  And if you’re wearing them in the one place were there is no sunlight (like the subway) and you’re not playing poker, you’re basically letting everyone who sees you know that you wear sunglasses to look cool and are thus a shallow prick who only cares what people you don’t know and who don’t know you think of you.
  • People who respond to celebrities they follow on twitter.
    I feel this action is only acceptable if your actually friends with said famous people or calling them out on some bullshit.  But if you’ve ever tweeted something like “Hey @BradPitt, just say Fight Club on cable last night.  You were awesome!” then you’re a moron.
  • Writers who cop out and put together pieces that are just lists because they’re too lazy to actually create segues from one thought to another.
    I think I need to start going to therapy.

[Pic via MySpace.com]

06_kevinsmith_lgl

I’m going to see Kevin Smith at Carnegie Hall tonight and I’m kind of psyched. Over the past few years, Smith, the auteur behind such movies as Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma and more, has a found a niche on the lecture circuit answering questions from the audience and telling anecdotes of his personal life and film making career.  It’s actually really entertaining and the various events have been filmed and edited into a couple DVDs.

Anyway, I’ve spent the past two weeks racking my brain trying to come up with what I can ask Smith.  It has to be unique, funny, and a great jumping off point for him to regale the audience with an engrossing tale (though it’s hard to beat his account of writing a Superman movie that never got made in the late 90’s).  And I think I came up with a good one. Here it is:

Way back in 2001, I went with some friends to go see the movie Vulgar that Smith had produced under his View Askew production company.  He even had a small cameo role.  For some reason, we had decided to see it in theaters without really know what it was about.  All we knew was that Smith had produced it and the poster had a noir-ish clown in a trench coat and holding a gun.  We thought at the very least it could be fun…it wasn’t.

The plot revolves around a birthday clown played by Brian O’Halloran (Dante from Clerks) who comes up with the bizarre idea to make extra money by performing as some sort of cross-dressing gag/burlesque/stripper clown for bachelor parties—the notion being that it would be a great prank to pull on the groom before the real stripper arrives—and takes out an ad for his services.  On his first gig, he’s held against his will by a father and his two adult sons who beat and repeatedly gang rape him.  Yeah.  Around this point in the movie, the few other people in the theater left and one my friends screamed, “You took me to a clown raping movie!”  After the gang raping incident, O’Halloran’s character becomes a popular children’s TV star and is soon blackmailed by his rapists who videotaped their encounter. The film then devolves into a sort of revenge thriller.

So my question for Smith is this: What the hell was up with that movie?

Let’s hope I get to ask it.

[Pic via nymag.com]